Nothing is working in my favor in this lifetime . . . therefore.. I surrender to any illusion of success, for it is not in my favor to become successful in an obvious way, but to live gloriously and die . . .and I'm ok with that. I will work as hard as I can and keep going unti the end. It doesn't matter how it will happen. I die . . I will die. . . and there is noting that I feel sorry for or blame except for ... the suchness of existence which is illusory anyway. I don't know what I'm so unhappy about. I'm only getting whats coming to me. Perhaps, perhaps I will give my last bit of strenghth to share my story with people who care, but I doubt that anyone really does. Answers? What are those? They don't exist. Is there despair in my heart? I can't really tell. Since nothing is working for me and its all illusory anyway. What's coming to me? Something beyond what I can comprehend at this moment (the future and death are like that), but right now all I can think of are failures, and limitations. Failures and limitations, all I can think about is being eaten alive by the karmic gods and goddesses, becuase I have slighted them. Failures and limitations. I know there is forgiveness. I've just ended it all for myself. I self-destructed long ago. I cut out my own soul from my body and it left me. At least, thats how I feel. In the darkness. Alone. And no. I'm not ill, I just know what ive done to myself and its nearly nearly nearly more than I can bare. But I will go forward, until I die, on the precipice of life, a very narrow dangerous path, because that is apparently, how I like it.

A man, my former boss, truly hurt me in the workplace, and and besides that, my spirit was crushed by the total meaninglessness of it all, of every eight hours I would spend of my day. . its all connected, its all connected to the failure of mine years ago. That is- when I quit running. I was on the path, but the moment I felt like I deserved something from the universe, it all fell on my head. . . bam. . . and it was my fault entirely for not being pure of spirit. My fault. No. No I suppose its not very safe for anyone who knows me to hear these things, even if I want to tell. . ..well even then, here I am . . .stuck in a downward spiral and so i am awake at 2:20 am. I think I am beyond any help except those of a goddess maybe, but I . .. I, a demon, never really deserved any help did I? Do I need to return to the arms of my abusers? The one thing that seems the absolute most painful thing for me to do? Use them and their abuse as a source of power for myself? Could I? I just don't know anymore what I must do. I am clueless again. As I frequently am. I thought that starting running again might be the absolute most painful thing to do. . .but I could be wrong . . . wrong about it all . .. can I have a pill that will make all the pain go away? Nope, I'm here to suffer obviously, Id just more rather suffer from my own hand then by the hand of others . . .or do I? Sleep all and calm goodnight. To anyone who reads this, I wish the best of health and happiness.
Its what all of us want I think.
R.G.